There are a few things

I don't think people understand about me.

1. I love giving gifts. I engulf in the joy of seeing someone feeling delighted at seeing an object. Because the object has been transformed to the point where its not just AN object. It has meaning. It has character. So yeah, birthday, and gift giving in general has been my favorite. I just kinda wish everyone understood this. Idgaf if it was expensive, just because an object is expensive doesn't mean it's meaningful. And just because an object DOESN'T cost anything, doesn't mean it doesn't have character or meaning.

2. I hold grudges. And hold them tight. Yeah, judge me if you want. Say all you want about how "bad" holding grudges may be. But I'm sorry if I can't forgive easily. I'm sorry that I REMEMBER shit. I'm sorry that I get insulted at something that YOU may consider to be insignificant. But most of all, I'm sorry that you are so oblivious to the fact that there are some things you do and say that, yeah, kinda hurt. So yeah, it takes a long time for me to let go of something.

3. I over analyze things. Except sometimes, I'm looking in the right direction and because I don't want to see, I ignore it. But my gut feelings, are usually right. And it makes me sad. I wish I was oblivious. I don't WANT to notice things. I don't WANT to feel hurt. I get mad often.

4. Even in a crowd, I feel lonely. As I'm typing this, I feel lonely. Lonely in the sense that I don't feel like I belong somewhere. I like stable things. I like being ASSURED that nothing is going to change. But we never really get assure now do we? Every time I feel something stable, it's taken away from me.

5. I'm not happy. Nor am I bubbly, nor cheerful. If I was, I think I would feel these emotions most of the time. Not snippets of it. I'm scared, I'm nervous, sometimes, I feel as though if I say the wrong thing people are going to get mad at me. And I KNOW exactly why I have this fear. This shackle. And its because of my past, and even though its gotten better, it's still there. And its why I don't do confrontations, I avoid them. But that doesn't mean the other side, the side that just wants to snap and say whatever the fuck she wants isn't there.

Lastly,
often I wonder "Why me?"...............well, "why not?"