I am

at loss of words.
I can't describe how I feel. Seeing Caitlin leaving reminds me that I too am going to leave. And I know its not for forever, I mean I come back for breaks and stuff, but, its more of a "SHIT FUCK my life is now starting" type of feeling, and it feels awkward.
All these emotions are being swirled all around and I feel everything and nothing at the same time. I haven't packed. I haven't even started.
10 days.
And I feel like I'm not ready.
I'm scared.
I'm truly scared. Scared of messing up, scared of disappointing my parents, scared of money being tight, scared of what lies ahead of me. When I think, I have an alternate reality so to speak. There is one where life would be a game, and everything has a do-over. Or where I feel like I can go back and change something. But I can't. Every day I get older. Every day I will never get back. Every single fucking day is the last day I will ever have. I'm never going to be able to go back to August 28th, 2007, my first day of high school, ever. And it feels weird. I know its only forward from now on. And often it feels like I'm just floating in the clouds, living my fantasy ideals, instead of coming down to earth and becoming grounded. I don't know. If I could have my way there are SO MANY things I would change before going off to college.
I'm scared. Not ready.
And I just want to stay in my room and just breathe. And read.
Sigh.