I am

at loss of words.
I can't describe how I feel. Seeing Caitlin leaving reminds me that I too am going to leave. And I know its not for forever, I mean I come back for breaks and stuff, but, its more of a "SHIT FUCK my life is now starting" type of feeling, and it feels awkward.
All these emotions are being swirled all around and I feel everything and nothing at the same time. I haven't packed. I haven't even started.
10 days.
And I feel like I'm not ready.
I'm scared.
I'm truly scared. Scared of messing up, scared of disappointing my parents, scared of money being tight, scared of what lies ahead of me. When I think, I have an alternate reality so to speak. There is one where life would be a game, and everything has a do-over. Or where I feel like I can go back and change something. But I can't. Every day I get older. Every day I will never get back. Every single fucking day is the last day I will ever have. I'm never going to be able to go back to August 28th, 2007, my first day of high school, ever. And it feels weird. I know its only forward from now on. And often it feels like I'm just floating in the clouds, living my fantasy ideals, instead of coming down to earth and becoming grounded. I don't know. If I could have my way there are SO MANY things I would change before going off to college.
I'm scared. Not ready.
And I just want to stay in my room and just breathe. And read.
Sigh.

There are a few things

I don't think people understand about me.

1. I love giving gifts. I engulf in the joy of seeing someone feeling delighted at seeing an object. Because the object has been transformed to the point where its not just AN object. It has meaning. It has character. So yeah, birthday, and gift giving in general has been my favorite. I just kinda wish everyone understood this. Idgaf if it was expensive, just because an object is expensive doesn't mean it's meaningful. And just because an object DOESN'T cost anything, doesn't mean it doesn't have character or meaning.

2. I hold grudges. And hold them tight. Yeah, judge me if you want. Say all you want about how "bad" holding grudges may be. But I'm sorry if I can't forgive easily. I'm sorry that I REMEMBER shit. I'm sorry that I get insulted at something that YOU may consider to be insignificant. But most of all, I'm sorry that you are so oblivious to the fact that there are some things you do and say that, yeah, kinda hurt. So yeah, it takes a long time for me to let go of something.

3. I over analyze things. Except sometimes, I'm looking in the right direction and because I don't want to see, I ignore it. But my gut feelings, are usually right. And it makes me sad. I wish I was oblivious. I don't WANT to notice things. I don't WANT to feel hurt. I get mad often.

4. Even in a crowd, I feel lonely. As I'm typing this, I feel lonely. Lonely in the sense that I don't feel like I belong somewhere. I like stable things. I like being ASSURED that nothing is going to change. But we never really get assure now do we? Every time I feel something stable, it's taken away from me.

5. I'm not happy. Nor am I bubbly, nor cheerful. If I was, I think I would feel these emotions most of the time. Not snippets of it. I'm scared, I'm nervous, sometimes, I feel as though if I say the wrong thing people are going to get mad at me. And I KNOW exactly why I have this fear. This shackle. And its because of my past, and even though its gotten better, it's still there. And its why I don't do confrontations, I avoid them. But that doesn't mean the other side, the side that just wants to snap and say whatever the fuck she wants isn't there.

Lastly,
often I wonder "Why me?"...............well, "why not?"

Wtf.

WHAT THE FUCK.
-______-
I need to rant so badly. Like right now.
But fine.
I've accepted this.
I've accepted this.
I'VE ACCEPTED THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

Okay.