I am

at loss of words.
I can't describe how I feel. Seeing Caitlin leaving reminds me that I too am going to leave. And I know its not for forever, I mean I come back for breaks and stuff, but, its more of a "SHIT FUCK my life is now starting" type of feeling, and it feels awkward.
All these emotions are being swirled all around and I feel everything and nothing at the same time. I haven't packed. I haven't even started.
10 days.
And I feel like I'm not ready.
I'm scared.
I'm truly scared. Scared of messing up, scared of disappointing my parents, scared of money being tight, scared of what lies ahead of me. When I think, I have an alternate reality so to speak. There is one where life would be a game, and everything has a do-over. Or where I feel like I can go back and change something. But I can't. Every day I get older. Every day I will never get back. Every single fucking day is the last day I will ever have. I'm never going to be able to go back to August 28th, 2007, my first day of high school, ever. And it feels weird. I know its only forward from now on. And often it feels like I'm just floating in the clouds, living my fantasy ideals, instead of coming down to earth and becoming grounded. I don't know. If I could have my way there are SO MANY things I would change before going off to college.
I'm scared. Not ready.
And I just want to stay in my room and just breathe. And read.
Sigh.

There are a few things

I don't think people understand about me.

1. I love giving gifts. I engulf in the joy of seeing someone feeling delighted at seeing an object. Because the object has been transformed to the point where its not just AN object. It has meaning. It has character. So yeah, birthday, and gift giving in general has been my favorite. I just kinda wish everyone understood this. Idgaf if it was expensive, just because an object is expensive doesn't mean it's meaningful. And just because an object DOESN'T cost anything, doesn't mean it doesn't have character or meaning.

2. I hold grudges. And hold them tight. Yeah, judge me if you want. Say all you want about how "bad" holding grudges may be. But I'm sorry if I can't forgive easily. I'm sorry that I REMEMBER shit. I'm sorry that I get insulted at something that YOU may consider to be insignificant. But most of all, I'm sorry that you are so oblivious to the fact that there are some things you do and say that, yeah, kinda hurt. So yeah, it takes a long time for me to let go of something.

3. I over analyze things. Except sometimes, I'm looking in the right direction and because I don't want to see, I ignore it. But my gut feelings, are usually right. And it makes me sad. I wish I was oblivious. I don't WANT to notice things. I don't WANT to feel hurt. I get mad often.

4. Even in a crowd, I feel lonely. As I'm typing this, I feel lonely. Lonely in the sense that I don't feel like I belong somewhere. I like stable things. I like being ASSURED that nothing is going to change. But we never really get assure now do we? Every time I feel something stable, it's taken away from me.

5. I'm not happy. Nor am I bubbly, nor cheerful. If I was, I think I would feel these emotions most of the time. Not snippets of it. I'm scared, I'm nervous, sometimes, I feel as though if I say the wrong thing people are going to get mad at me. And I KNOW exactly why I have this fear. This shackle. And its because of my past, and even though its gotten better, it's still there. And its why I don't do confrontations, I avoid them. But that doesn't mean the other side, the side that just wants to snap and say whatever the fuck she wants isn't there.

Lastly,
often I wonder "Why me?"...............well, "why not?"

Wtf.

WHAT THE FUCK.
-______-
I need to rant so badly. Like right now.
But fine.
I've accepted this.
I've accepted this.
I'VE ACCEPTED THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

Okay.

SOAR is definitely blog worthy.

Day 1: so we get there and we register and all that good stuff, and then I went to get my picture ID and guess what!? IT TURNED OUT WONDERFUL. I look BAMF, and sassy, and ess all good. :D Then we went and listened to a speech about out BRAND. It was odd, it was like basically supporting the idea of not labels, but brands, and how we use our brands, and the hedgehog concept of knowing how to do ONE thing, but knowing how to it WELL. Then there was more speeches and they were kinda boring not gunna lie. Then there was a fair, and we had like a bingo card type of thing as we went to each booth. Then we had dinner, and we were separated from the parents and went to our own presentaation, and afterwards there was a raffle that was randomly chosen by the bingo card thing, AND I WAS THE FIRST ONE CALLED. I gots me a shirt, a bag, a coffe cup thing, a pin, and i got a chant of my name as well. Good crowd I tell you. Then we went bowling and had like a freakin' arcade thing set up. IT WAS LEGIT. Under a black light<3 And I met a couple of people, and it was cool.
Day 2: Is the day we went and registered for our classes with each of our schools. I went with the College of Letters and Science Honors Program, and I panicked. I panicked because there was so many option on what to take. D: For my FIGS I signed up for a french three cource class, and i signed up to Psych 509 which is abnormal psychology, and the all string orchestra. Other than that, the main thing that was liek......I felt so intimidated by the campus. After I finished my registration and all I went to walk to the bookstore, which was FAR away. JK I lie, it wasn't that far, but it was just like. Damn, look at all these huge buildings, and I'm already short to begin with and when I waas walking, I just felt so small.
I got a free shirt at the book store :3

I'm back, and worried more about my financial situation than ever. I really could have used a job this summer.

Beware the rant

that has come forth
turn back if you don't want to read a rant.

Last chance.

If there is one thing I hate is when girls on fb post things like "I wish i had bigger eyes, non-pale face, straight nose, etc...meet the girl who hides behind her make up."
Alright, let's get one thing straight here. This girl is already pretty, and all she's doing is fishing for fucking compliments. She's pretty and she knows it. So fuck you.
That's all I have to say. I hate it when pretty/thin people complain about their looks/weight, and then I have to look at my face, and scale everyday.
Fuck you. You should appreciate what your given, and that you don't know the pain.

So yeah, fuck you once more. Eat your heart out.

Day 11-22

-Wisconsin point! (:
-And All His Songs Were Sad
-Having Plans.

I don't think anyone knows the extent of how much it means to me to have plans this summer. To actually do things with people in a fairly spontaneous way. I spent my past summers doing absolutely nothing.
And I mean NOTHING.
But now, making plans, getting ready to head out on my own. It means a lot, I feel free. I feel like a normal teenager.

I don't feel as lonely.

Plus I've always enjoyed hanging out with people. And I LOVE coming home at around 11:30 pm AT NIGHT. I love when my mom exaggerates and says I'm always out and never home.  No one, I'm telling you, no one from my previous school would believe that I go out and stay out until that time.

I wouldn't believe that either if you told me I would stay out that late before.

I feel so grateful.
Grateful for the change of scenery, the change of people, the emotions.
But more importantly, the memories.

Thank you.

O_O

I had a dream that I was crying in my dream, I don't remember the reason.

But I woke up crying.

O_O